ROBBED BY A LADY OF THE NIGHT

Andrew drew a cigarette from his packet of Embassy Lights. It had a photo of a man and a woman in bed at the front. He says he has always asked for a packet with this specific image when buying his cigarettes. The photo warning is meant to give the impression that tobacco smoking can cause impotence. He says it’s better than the images of a cancerous growth on someone’s throat.

He took two puffs and a long sip of his Pilsner Lager. The cigarette still burning in his left hand. In my drinking days, I drunk Tusker. Room temperature Tusker Lager. I have a problem with people who say “warm Tusker” or “warm beer.” It gives me the picture of a waitress going to the microwave with their bottle of beer to warm it up. I, however, have a bigger problem with people who drink Pilsner Lager, something is gravely wrong with their tastebuds. I mean, how do you enjoy drinking something that tastes like piss? Don’t ask me how I know how piss tastes like.

To borrow the words of Tyrion Lannister in Game of Thrones, “It’s what I do……I know things.”

I will cut Andrew and his piss-tasting-like drink some slack, he has had a rough weekend. It was Easter Monday when we met, he had woken up that morning since going to bed in the wee hours of Saturday morning. He had gone home with a woman he met at a club in town. He woke up all alone, thinking it was Saturday morning but it wasn’t. He had slept through the Easter Weekend. Dead unconscious.

He did not care about sleeping through the weekend. After all, he had always hated Easter and other holidays that made the weekends longer than usual. To some extent, he hated all weekends. He hated anything that reminded him of his solitude.

Until one year ago Andrew had had the perfect family. Two lovely children. Twins – a boy and a girl. Like most fathers, they were his world. His wife was a pharmaceutical sales representative. They had met at a law firm he worked for when his wife was suing her former employer for wrongful termination. He was initially not working on the case but was brought in because of his closing skills. Her employer settled the matter out of court, leaving her with a handsome settlement. One coffee date led to another and in two years they walked down the aisle at St. Stephen ACK Church.

Things, however, took a turn after just three years of marriage. His wife asked for a divorce and moved out of their house. It’s been one of those ugly divorce processes that suck the life out people. Andrew has not seen his children in the one year they have been separated.

He doesn’t visit his parents anymore, or at least during these holidays. He hates being the only one among his siblings with a broken family. He often finds his eyes tearing whenever he is home watching his brothers’ and sisters’ kids run around their grand mother’s huge compound. He hates it when they sit at the dinner table and all his brothers are served by their wives but he has to serve himself. At times he excuses himself to use the bathroom but truth is, he goes to dry his tears.

He chose to bury himself into work. He now has his own law firm which he says is doing pretty well. When he is not leaving the office at midnight he is at the bar till midnight. He hates the emptiness of his own house. He thinks the house hates the emptiness in his soul too.

Easter Friday was one of those Andrew and his house could not stand each other. He had gone to the bar early, at midday. It was a holiday, nobody was going to give him a ‘bad eye’ for drinking his vodka that early. Not that he even cared if they did.

David has two favorite bars. Kelly’s at Kilimani shops and a popular club in town. He likes Kelly’s because it’s a staggering distance from his house and he doesn’t have to use his car when going to drink there. He hates drink driving but he still does it often. When he goes for a drink straight from the office or on weekends he goes to the club in town. There he mostly drinks his room temperature, Pilsner Lager. He calls it “Pilsner warm” though. I and Andrew can never be friends. I would always be correcting him or making jokes at his choice of drink. You don’t want me doing any of that to you.

Andrew was already in a ‘molten state’ when he left Kelly’s for the club in town. He did not have to go but he was already at that point when drinking where anything goes. Going to the club in town seemed to be the most brilliant idea anyone could come up with at that time. So he got into his car and zoomed to the club. Three minutes drive.

Andrew sat at on the black couches that are near the Dj booth. The club was almost empty despite being a Friday. The counter seats were all empty. Andrew hates the counter seats. He says as much as they are called “sina tabu’ seats, seating at the counter screams stress and depression. He says if you know anyone who likes sitting alone at the counter, check on them.

” I was on my second beer when two chics walked in. One extremely beautiful and the other not so beautiful. The pretty standard way in which girls roll, ” he explained.

“I have never seen two beautiful girls walk together, ” he continued.

“Me too, ” I said nodding in agreement.

The beautiful one wore a colorful dress extending to just above the knees. Short enough to create excitement but long enough to cover the essentials. He doesn’t remember much about what her other friend wore.

The sat on a couch on the farthest side from where Andrew sat. They ordered for Heineken and a quarter bottle of Gilbeys Gin. As to who was drinking what, your guess is as good as mine.

Andrew being the Luo he is, the vodka he had been drinking since midday and the sight of a beautiful woman all conspiring to cloud his judgment decides to summon the waiter.

“Give the light skin girl two of whatever she is drinking and her friend another quarter,” he said with a self-reassuring smile on his face.

When the drinks came the light skin chic smiled in Andrew’s direction. He smiled back. They told the waiter to ask him if he could join them. He did not hesitate.

I still don’t know who bewitched Luo men with light skin women. We need to find him or her for the antidote.

He doesn’t remember her name but remembers she said she worked for an insurance firm and was new in town. She was a good conversationist. Spoke good English albeit with a slight accent that Andrew couldn’t really place.

More drinks flowed and the party moved outside to the tarmac. The club was now getting livelier. More revelers.

Andrew had parked his blue BMW 318 near the club’s entrance. They had been joined by two other acquaintances at their table and one of them was keeping the other girl busy. The light skin chic suggested that they go make out in his car. That was an offer so hard to resist and when they thought no one was paying attention they disappeared into the car for a steamy kissing session.

Andrew’s heart was racing. It was the first time he was kissing anyone since separating from his wife. His body was excited but he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. The alcohol helped. But the chic was so good at what she does with her tongue. His loins were bursting, longing for pleasure. The chic suggested they take it home – exactly what he wanted to hear at 3.00AM.

They settled their bill and left, Andrew obviously intoxicated but with just enough strength to get this car home. He was excited about his catch and could not wait to lay this yellow skin on his bed.

The last thing he remembers is taking a sip of water in his bedroom. He had left the water unattended to when he had gone to the bathroom. He remembers the lady insisting that he drinks the whole of it, that hydrating will prevent him from getting a hangover.

He woke two days later, groggy from the effects of the drug the lady had laced his water with. His phones were not where he usually puts them. He also remembers he came home with someone but he was in bed alone. He staggered to the bathroom to see if someone was there but there was no one. He came back to the bedroom and noticed the drawers had been left open. Inside, his watches were missing. His wallet had been ransacked. The visa debit card he was using to pay his bills on Friday night was nowhere to be seen. So was his ID.

He rushed to draw the sitting room curtains to check if his car was outside. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the car parked in his usual spot. His personal laptop that’s usually on the sitting room floor was gone. The charger was left though, perhaps because it was one of those chargers that looked more like a phone charger than a laptop charger. It was also still plugged in a socket far away from where the laptop was. He realized he had been drugged and robbed. That was not all, his house was also locked from the inside.

Andrew opened the sitting room window and shouted for help. They lived two bachelors in the compound. The other guy never drunk, so, Andrew had trusted him with his spare key.

He opened the door and helped Andrew to his car before driving him to Aga Khan hospital. His urine analysis showed the drugs had cleared from his system.

Andrew’s neighbor is a long time friend of mine. We went to the same High School about a decade and a half ago. I met them together at Kelly’s on Monday afternoon.

He still doesn’t believe that pretty spiked his water (of all the things to spike). He lost a lot of stuff but he says his biggest loss was not “tasting” the girl.

 

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